April 21, 2012

BEST management ever

Some 3 weeks back, there was this horrific news story of a BEST bus overturning at high speed. Reading the article and thinking how it might have happened, I imagined myself being in that damned bus. Picture this:

Seated at the window, I feel a sense of adventure as the bus speeds and honks its way on the highway, brushing smaller vehicles aside, swerving at the corners and bumping over the speed-breakers. Being me, I enjoy the ride, happy that I'll reach my destination soon, even as some of my co-passengers swear at the bus-driver and some others share my joy. Some uncles are visibly angry, some discuss about the BEST's plight and stuff, and maybe, some lady is arguing with the conductor. Everyone sense something might go wrong. But, no one acts. They all just swear and abuse, the bus-conductor timidly listens, or abuses back, giving some lame excuse but none of them move their asses to get the right thing done - confront the driver and stop him. I am having a good laugh, as I always do when I hear people abusing each other in regional languages!

After some time, the story happens. The bus-driver is in cruise mode and jumps a signal, making a really sharp right turn at high speed. That's the blood-freezing moment when everyone realizes it is a double-decker bus and it is quite surely overturning to the left side. Everyone braces themselves, hanging on to something. This does not happen everyday, I do not remember seeing such a scene in any movie as well. The scene that comes closest is from the fantastic "Speed", where Sandra Bullock makes the hijacked bus take a sharp right turn, but not before everyone moves to the right. So, the bus flips back on to its wheels and moves on. This BEST bus is hijacked alright, it is already overturning, Keanu Reeves has not instructed, "This side of the bus, please, this side!", and before I complete my thought, there is a loud crash and screech of glass against mortar. The bus stops, finally, not on four wheels, though!

Seated on the left side, I bear the brunt of the accident - my back is to the ground, window glass lies shattered beneath me, there are people on top of me in a jumbled state and I can barely breathe under their weight and smell. Till the passengers come to their senses (it takes some 15-20 minutes!), I am still there, but I am used to it by now. I adjust a bit here and there and manage to survive. At the time I am rescued, it is 90 minutes since the bus has overturned - 90 grueling minutes of some sort of a forced yoga position. I have fractured something, but I feel lucky to have survived it. It could have been worse, but this is good enough for me.

In fact, none of my co-passengers died because of this freak accident. You may be feeling good, right, but hang on! The bus crushed a bike when it overturned. THE BUS (17 ton double decker) CRUSHED A BIKE (0.5 ton Pulsar) WHEN IT OVERTURNED (at some 50-odd speed). The bike, of course, had a rider (0.07 ton average guy), and he was the sole casualty of this freak show. Imagining being a passenger is okay, but imagining being in this man's position is what gives me the blood-curdle.

Back to reality - From the next day (and this was immediately apparent, since I am a regular traveler), bus drivers were more cautious. I noticed it in my daily beloved super-express 489 bus. No flyovers, no overtaking other buses, just sad, slow, harrowing journeys. I took this up with a friendly 489 bus-conductor and he admitted that it was a "management decision" to not overtake buses, especially those on the same route. What sort of a solution is this! Safe driving does not mean slow driving! This is the solution coming out of the minds of the illiterate literates sitting at the "management" positions of the BEST. These super-men have masterminded (of course, inadvertently) the declining revenues of the BEST over the years, making disastrous decisions with AC buses and silly decisions with bus routes and ticket fares. BEST bus conductors themselves admit that these "management" guys are no-gooders, lacking basic common sense - good business sense is a far cry. God bless the BEST!

April 1, 2012

Why do we blog

Hi, if anyone is reading this. It has been more than 2 years since I have posted anything worthwhile here, and sometimes I wonder why. When I first started off this blog, I was eager to try something new, get my ideas out into the world, etc. etc. But, as time passed, the ideas were forgotten, the posts got fewer, the content got drab, and the blog reduced to nothing. This can be attributed to many things - freakish job schedule, rubbish internet connection (MTNL Triband - zero connectivity in monsoon and when you need it!), general disinterest, little/negative feedback to the blog, but the main reason was lack of commitment. And a blog is like a relationship - if you ain't committed, it ain't gonna work.

Whenever I felt like posting something here, but I couldn't bring myself to log in to blogger, let alone posting something here. Unlike many other blogs, this blog is not for a business (I have no business! :P), and my motivation to earn (through AdSense) is little. In fact, this lack of motivation to blog was a part of a larger lack of motivation to live. (I do not want to delve into the reasons for this at this moment!)

So, what has changed now? Why is this blog post coming through and getting published? It is the realization of the value of commitment. I met someone special in the past week, and out of the many things I admire about her, one is her level of commitment. I realized that if I had even an iota of her level of commitment, I can progress in life and be happier. I had created this blog for my own satisfaction, and I must be committed to posting here, whatever the post content might be. After all, a blog is a public diary, and you can write anything in your diary.

January 1, 2011

Resolve to blog more!

One of the many New Year resolutions I have made is to blog more. The last year was famine for me in terms of blogging activity and it is only today that I realize what a pity this is! In the whole of last year, whenever a nice idea or thought has come to my mind, it has stayed exactly there - my mind. All these nice ideas and thoughts were such that they deserved to be shared in a blog post or something. Various problems contributed to this situation.

The new job that I have taken up has severely restricted my access to Internet for personal purposes. The only time I have got to surf the Internet for myself during weekdays is post 11pm. Post 11pm, I am never awake. And on weekends, I cannot bring myself to switch on the PC, let alone put up a blog post.

Also, lack of a good phone is a major factor. I wish I could blog from my phone so that I could blog on the go. It would be so cool to share a cool idea or cool song or a movie review with everyone whenever and wherever I want. It could be in a crowded bus, at work, during lunch, wherever.

However, no excuses anymore. Maybe I'll buy a new phone - maybe not. Maybe things will change at work - maybe not. No matter what, I must blog more and blog to my heart's content. Good luck to me and to all who are reading this!

October 12, 2010

The tragedies of a BEST bus commuter

It has been quite a period of time since I have been using the BEST bus service for my work commute. It will be quite a period of time I keep using the BEST as it is the best and shortest way to get from Dahisar to Powai.

While the experience until now has been bittersweet, it is more bitter than sweet. I think I'll better sum it up nicely rather than rant on and on and never reach the end of it.

The tragedies of a BEST bus commuter:
  1. Waiting for an hour for a 489 at Dahisar Bridge.
  2. If one doesn't come up after an hour, going to Borivli station and waiting for an AS-461.
  3. If even the AS-461 doesn't come along, going to the eastern side and seeing a goddamn 489 pass right in front of your goddamn eyes!
  4. Getting into a 10 am 489 bus from Dahisar Bridge under heavy rain and with many, many people around you.
  5. Sitting in a ladies' seat purely by mistake, only to be rudely driven out of it by an angry aunty and worse, be educated in decency and courtesy towards women.
  6. Getting into a seat beside a smelly UP guy, who abuses so much into his Nokia N73 China model that it needs an aunty to stop him.
  7. BEST TV at its worst and dishing out the same old heady mix of "Chandan ka meethha paan" ads and "Body & Soul" shit all the time.
  8. Getting into an argument with a bus conductor who you think is timid, but who turns out to be a foul-mouthed fighter cock.
  9. Waking up from a good window-side sleep, only to see yourself drenched in the rain.
  10. Discovering that the open window is jammed and the bus is overcrowded, so there is no place for you to stand - you have to sit in the rain!
  11. Your 489 bus shutting down right in the middle of Aarey Milk Colony.
  12. Standing all the way from Dahisar Bridge to Powai in a wildly speeding and swinging 489 bus - so you feel as if you are going home from work, and not vice-versa.
  13. Your wild 489 bus skidding down a slippery Malad flyover and narrowly escaping a major accident - so now you have to get into another bus to Powai from a crowded bus stop on the frigging Western Express highway.
  14. Feeling quite nice when your bus skips many stops to help you reach work faster, then feeling quite differently when it skips your stop as well.
  15. More than 5 of the above tragedies happening on the same day, driving you completely nuts.
Five months into this "BEST experience", I have seen a lot - I have seen multiple tragedies on the same day and yet survived to tell the tale. You get to see a lot more.
  • A very old woman tries to get into the bus. The bus, as usual, is in a hurry and the conductor rings it - result - the woman has a really bad fall. The bus stops, the conductor gets shouted at, the driver gets called in, then both of them almost get beaten up - that was by half the people on the bus. The rest just want the mess to get over - they need to get to work. The old woman is helping herself up, all by herself.
  • A guy sees a girl and realizes she needs a seat. He requests another guy to vacate the ladies' seat he has occupied and the girl gets a seat. Meanwhile, the other guy wakes up from his sleep and starts talking loudly to the first guy.
    "Why the hell did you wake me up?", "Can't she stand?", "Can't you see I was sleeping?", "Is she your girlfriend or *****?", "Ladies can also stand, why do men like me need to stand for *****s like her?". The good guy just says,"Shut up, you m****c***!!". The crowd laughs - after all, who doesn't like a good show for free!

September 11, 2010

Beware of such emails

Following is the content of an email I received today. The email was moved to Spam automatically, and usually I just empty out the Spam blindly, but the subject of this email was just too good: Please Reply Urgent

All of you who are reading this, please do not reply or forward or do anything other than delete such an email if it happens to drop into your inbox.

Gmail, please do something about this nuisance!

Please Reply Urgent
Bill & Exchange Manager.
ahmedjean10@gmail.com
I am Mr. Ahmed Jean, a banker in Islamic Development Bank (IsDB). I have decided to contact you on a business deal of us$10.000.000 (ten million United States dollars). The depositor of the said fund died with his entire family during the Iraq war in 2004. According to our banking law, if the fund remains unclaimed for six (6) years then, the fund will be transferred into the reserve bank as unclaimed bill.
I wish to present you as his cousin or business partner so that the bank will transfer the fund into your bank account for us to share it. Your percentage will be 40% while 60% will be for me. As an insider in this bank, I assure you that, this transaction is 100% risk free. If you are willing for this deal, contact me for more details but if you are not capable, please notify me.
The transaction will take us only few banking days. Do not disclose this deal to anybody because I want the secret to be between us only. I will give you the text of the application to fill and send to the Bank for the release of the fund into your bank account on the receipt of your message.
I will be glad to hear from you as soon as you receive this message as to enable me give you the application to fill and send to the bank.
(1) Full names:
(2) Private phone number:
(3) Current residential address:
(4) Occupation:
(5) Age and Sex:
Yours faithful,
Mr.ahmed jean
Bill & Exchange Manager
ahmedjean10@gmail.com

August 29, 2010

84 things not to do in Mumbai

Here's a hilarious email I received today. Some of the points are matter-of-fact and serious, but it is those matter-of-fact yet hilarious points that got me going.

This is some serious advice for localites and non-localites alike.

1. Get into a Virar train if you are going to Borivali.

2. Take a Taxi outside Dadar or Kurla station - all are chors.

3. Eat Bhel at Kailash Parbat.

4. Call a cop Pandu.

5. Argue with a Koli Fisherwoman.

6. Get a 11 Rupee massage at Girgaum Chowpatty.

7. Call a BEST bus driver Bablia.

8. Buy enhancement medicines from Van - Travelling Hakims who are the desi versions of the flying doctors.

9. Look smart while visiting Chor Bazaar.

10. Ask the Sandwich wallah on Dalal Street for market tips.

11. Stand in front of Amitabh/Shahrukh/Salman's house - people may laugh at you as you look stupid and it is a thorough waste of time.

12. Visit Baba Bengalis - they are neither Babas or Bengalis, they are all perverts and thugs.

13. Visit sleazy Video Parlours and get caught in a raid.

14. Get excited and start jumping when someone offers you Paanch ka Dollar, it's just a tiny 5 Rupee coin.

15. Go for a Shiv Sena rally in the hope of a Free Vada Pav and Shiv Sena Banian.

16. Stare at Koli Women in Gorai and Make fun of Kolis in their Kasti. (ROTFLOL!!!!)

17. While commuting do not tease people shitting near the tracks, they throw stones back at the train

18. Hang outside the train, Poles might hit you before the crowds will.

19. Tease a Hijra.

20. Bribe a Porter to grab a seat in V.T, chances are he might run off with your money and even beat you.

21. Get conned at Fountain from Guys selling cheap Mobiles, they mesmerize and wrap soap bars.

22. Avoid pimps behinds Mondegar & Pasta Lanes.

23. Donate money to the Crying Cab driver, he has conned thousands.

24. Invite Brass Polishwalas into your house.

25. Sit for more than 20 mins extra at an Irani Cafe - the Bawa owner might shout some sister abuses.

26. Drink Neera at 5 pm at Dadar Station.

27. Have lassi outside Dadar Station (west), they add Tissue Paper while preparing it.

28. Throw stones at monkeys in Borivali National Park.

29. Loiter around in Shivaji Park on Dec 6th.

30. Ask for a bargain at the Maharashtrian Cloth store in Dadar.

31. Call up 26407383 Beanbags thinking it's an escort service.

32. Call a Maharashtrian guy Bhaiya, no matter how respectful you mean.

33. Go to Mondegar and ask for a Jain Pav Bhaji.

34. Look straight and walk - there are open Manholes, flicked by Druggies.

35. Wear Brown Khakis shirts - people will mistake you for BMC staff.

36. Ask for Warranty & Guarantee from the Mallu Electronic stalls in Fountain area.

37. Search for the Kala Ghoda in Kala Ghoda.

38. Ask why statues in Bombay have one finger pointed like Umpires.

39. Apply Rai ka Tel on your head and travel by public transport.

40. Go to Chor Bazaar in your Car or Bike.

41. Wear nice footwear to SiddiVinayak or Mahalakshmi Temple

42. Go to Haji Ali during high tides.

43. Go to work when a Shiv Sena bandh is on.

44. Dial 100 for fun, Cops will put your entire family behind bars and use bars.

45. Buy water & tea for Chai-Pani, Old Monk should work.

46. Fall asleep on the Harbour Line, Thieves will strip you of everything.

47. Eat Missal / Ussal Pav before going to work.

48. Board a fast train in Dadar to go to Bandra - Opposite platforms and a very horrible crowd.

49. Go for midnight mass thinking you can patao chicks.

50. Give money to bhikari (he is the same guy who is @siddhivinayak on Tuesday, @mahim church wed, @mahim dargah on Thursday, and @hajiali on Friday, @mount mary on Sunday).

51. Go to an Orchestra Bar, it's nothing but the local banjo party guys in better clothes.

52. Talk to a Gujju for more than 10 mins, he will start playing garba with you

53. Go to Versova beach, it's full of shit and methi plants.

54. Join any friendship club, its like inviting blackmailers.

55. Go to Bhagwathi hospital in Borivali. (ROFL!@#!$#@!)!

56. Pronounce Sandhurst correctly, Sandas Rd makes more sense.

57. Ask where is the Chinch in Chinchpokli or Chincholi.

58. Trouble naughty couples in the A/c Buses.

59. Go for morning show in sidey theatre expecting sleazy action, you might encounter khudkushi action around you.

60. Travel from Andheri to Ghatkopar by Bus, the bus is full of pickpockets.

61. Travel ticketless on Friday - if you are caught, Anadi court is a big torture.

62. Wear a Red tie or red handkerchief and stand near Gateway or Radio Club, it's a gigolo symbol.

63. Give 100 bucks to a conductor and expect him to give you change, he will sadistically torment you till the last stop.

64. Buy cheap booze in Churchgate Subway and get caught by cops for not having permits.

65. Buy Crackers from Essabhai, Crawford Market and travel in train.

66. Go to National park with your GF/Wife and take the jungle route Robbers & Adivasis might loot you.

67. Ask for free Chakna in bars, its history since Aug 2, 2008.

68. Go to Voodoos on Saturday, its the only Gay bar between Istanbul and Bangkok.

69. Go to Navy Nagar and think you can buy booze for cheap.

70. Try to play all the instruments at Furtados in Dhobi Talao.

71. Stand close to the platform when the Rajdhani is passing, a sonic and nuclear blast of fart, shit and farsan will hit you. (ROFLMAO!!!!!)

72. Ask for extra chutney and sambhar in Udupi hotels.

73. Visit Ganga Jamuna in Tardeo thinking it's a holy place.

74. Assume that booksellers in Fountains are dumbos, they know their Pulitzers and Bookers more than us.

75. Take the driving test, paying 300 bucks makes more sense.

76. Do a court marriage in Bandra court.

77. Count the numbers of floors of Oberoi towers just because Amitabh did.

78. Bet against India in a game, Australia is the safest option.

79. Get scared and not gamble in the McDowell Derby at Mahalaksmi Race Course.

80. Note down prices or take Photos at Alfa in Irla.

81. Buy 100 bucks Windcheaters from Churchgate, they are all the ones recycled by the Bhandiwalis.

82. Search for Tigers in Borivali National Park, they will end up finding you!

83. Search the roads & gutters of Chira Bazaar & Opera House hoping to find diamonds just because the newspapers claim so.

84. All the things mentioned are NOT to be DONE in Mumbai.

July 18, 2010

Watch Inception with a brain or two

I love Christopher Nolan movies because they make me think. I hate them because he's always trying to show off his intelligence. Inception is one more movie which I will have to watch again to grasp it completely. I think Nolan cuts off a sizable proportion of his audience by making his movies intellectually complex. Many people like me find The Dark Knight amazing, but there are plenty more people who think it sucks and slept before halfway through the movie. (I think that's reasonable - if you just fail to appreciate Ledger's performance and hate superheroes, the movie has little in terms of quality entertainment).

I am meandering away right at the start here, and let me get to the point. Inception is a truly standout movie, purely on merit of its concept, its idea. I remember watching the trailer in May and getting all excited about the basic idea of the movie - robbing your ideas in your subconscious. I couldn't wait to watch it unfold on screen. Other than the basic idea, the movie is good action, with a strong performance from DiCaprio, but that's pretty much it, I believe. The movie could be much, much more.

Watanabe is initially projected as a villain, but gets reduced to a tame supporting role. Ellen Page's role promised much and delivered to a good extent, but did not satisfy. The source of Cobb's disturbed mental state is unconvincing - the whole Mal line could be dropped off and more complex relationships between the team members themselves could be portrayed. I would have liked to see Tom Hardy and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, in particular, with meatier roles - giving their roles as much meat as Ellen Page's role has would be good. Having said that, the Mal line does increase the depth of Cobb's character and does justify Nolan's claim that "the emotional journey of Cobb's character is the driving force of the movie." (That's pretty damn right, Cobb's role to Inception is just what The Joker was to Dark Knight)

Keeping the actors and the roles aside, the development of the idea is really good. The thief creates the world of the dream and the victim fills it with his subconscious. The victim can be made to dream within a dream, driving everyone in the heist deeper into his subconscious and hence closer to his secrets. The deeper the level of the dream, the slower time passes. So, 2 minutes in real life means an hour at the first dream level and 10 hours at the second level and so on. The thief takes advantage of the fact that on waking up, the victim never remembers how his dream began, but only the end. I found the concept of limbo very interesting. It goes like this: If you are hurt in a dream, the pain feels very real, but you are still in your dream. If you die in your dream, you wake up instantly. But, if you die in your dream while being too sedated to wake up, you go into limbo - a state of unconstructed dream space where a few real-time seconds can be decades.

These are the things that make the movie intellectually irresistible - just like The Matrix. And that's why it's a must watch. Watch it seriously with a bunch of non-nuthead friends and you will be talking about it for a while after.